In the tapestry of married life, intimacy weaves a complex pattern of connection and fulfilment. But what happens when the threads of physical closeness become frayed or seemingly disappear? Is a marriage at risk if the bedroom becomes more of a space for slumber than for passion? Let’s unravel the surprising truths about marriages with little intimacy and explore whether your relationship could be in jeopardy.
The concept of a ‘normal‘ frequency for sexual activity in marriage is as varied as the couples themselves. The question of how often married couples and long-term partners should engage in sexual intimacy to maintain a happy and healthy relationship is one that often plagues the minds of partners. It’s a topic that can cause tension, confusion, and sometimes, a sense of inadequacy.
According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, the average married couple has sex about 51 times a year, which breaks down to roughly once a week. This statistic might come as a relief to those who feel pressured by the misconception that ‘everyone else’ is enjoying a more active sex life. However, it’s crucial to recognise that these numbers are merely averages and not a one-size-fits-all benchmark.
Chantelle Otten, a psycho-sexologist at Lovehoney, points out that various factors such as health, wellness, financial stress, children, and general life stressors can act as inhibitors to one’s libido. It’s natural for sexual desire to ebb and flow over time, both for individuals and within a relationship.
So, is there a magic number of sexual encounters that guarantees happiness? Research from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology suggests that couples who have sex once a week tend to be the happiest. Yet, couples therapist and sexologist Isiah McKimmie emphasises that there is no perfect number that applies to all couples. What’s more important is finding a mutually satisfying level of sexual activity.
McKimmie also highlights the significance of variety in a couple’s sex life, suggesting that introducing 12 new sexual activities per year can be beneficial. This could include experimenting with different positions, incorporating toys, or exploring new scenarios.
It’s essential for couples not to compare their sex lives to others, as every relationship is unique. If both partners are content with their level of sexual activity, regardless of frequency, then there’s no cause for concern. A fulfilling relationship doesn’t necessarily require sex, as long as both parties feel happy and supported.
But what if there’s a mismatch in sexual desire between partners? It’s not uncommon for one partner to be satisfied with less frequent sex while the other desires more. Chantelle Otten notes that according to Lovehoney’s 2022 Global Sexual Health survey, a significant number of Australians report experiencing low sexual desire.
Interestingly, attitudes about sex among senior Australians reveal that sexual activity is an important part of life, even in later years. Contrary to common stereotypes that suggest senior people lose interest in sex, a study called ‘Sex, Age & Me’ found that 72% of participants aged 60 and over had sex in the previous year. Many senior Australians want to maintain their sexual relationships but feel overlooked or stigmatised, especially as they enter care settings. This highlights the importance of ongoing conversations about intimacy, regardless of age, and the need for societal shifts to support sexual expression among seniors.
Isiah McKimmie likens sexual desire to a car with brakes and accelerators. Factors such as a lack of connection, negative sexual beliefs, and performance anxiety can act as brakes, while a strong emotional bond, playfulness, and loving touch can serve as accelerators. The key is to work on removing the brakes while simultaneously adding accelerators.
Communication and planning are crucial in navigating these differences. Chantelle recommends scheduling regular date nights, dedicating time for quality and intimate moments, and focusing on outercourse and foreplay. Solo play can also be a valuable tool for exploring one’s sexuality and boosting confidence and desire.
If couples find themselves struggling to align their sexual desires or to rekindle their libido, seeking the guidance of a sex therapist can be a helpful step in reigniting the spark.
In conclusion, while marriages that hardly have sex may raise concerns for some, they are not necessarily indicative of a relationship at risk. The key lies in open communication, mutual satisfaction, and a willingness to adapt and explore together.
How do you approach intimacy in your relationship? Do you believe that sexual frequency impacts the overall satisfaction of a marriage, or is there more to a fulfilling connection? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below!
Also read: Why desire isn’t broken and the myth of a ‘normal’ sex life
