Life has a way of throwing surprises our way. Just when we think we have everything figured out, it changes. For Melissa A. Kay, this surprise came in the form of becoming a grandmother—without ever having been a mother herself.
This is a unique situation that, while unexpected, has taught her more about family, love, and herself than she ever imagined. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to step into a grandparent role without having raised children, let Melissa take you on her journey.
Melissa never had children of her own, but seven years ago, her stepdaughter had a baby, and she found herself stepping into the role of grandmother. At first, she felt unsure of where she fit in, but over time, she embraced her new role and developed a deep connection with her grandson. She has become a constant presence in his life, especially since his mother, a single mum serving in the Army, often has to be away for work. While her grandson primarily stays with his maternal grandmother (Melissa’s husband’s ex-wife), he spends every other weekend with Melissa and her husband.
This arrangement has allowed her to step into a caregiving role she never expected. Though she didn’t have the experience of being a mother, Melissa has discovered that love, patience, and a willingness to learn go a long way. Many grandparents will tell you that their role is one of love, support, and guidance, but they’re not usually responsible for the daily tasks of child-rearing. But every family dynamic is different, and in Melissa’s case, she’s found herself navigating parenting for the first time—through her grandson.
From figuring out how to feed a growing boy to discussing boundaries and sensitive topics, it’s been a learning process. Advice from psychologist Matthew Morand has been invaluable to Melissa, reminding her that navigating new parenting experiences is part of the journey, and treating her grandson with care and understanding has helped her embrace her role.
As her grandson grows older, his curiosity about the world has led to questions Melissa isn’t always ready for. For instance, he’s recently started asking about family roles and relationships, such as why she considers him her grandson when she’s not his mum’s mother. He calls her by her first name, and while she initially wondered if she should encourage him to call her ‘Grandma’, she’s come to realise that his comfort is what matters most.
Licensed clinical psychologist Kristen Piering once told Melissa, ‘Your relationship with your grandson is unlike any other in his life, which is a good thing. Embrace this role for a lifelong relationship.’ Melissa has also had to navigate his emotions about his mum’s military service. He’s proud of her, but her frequent absences can be tough for him. Melissa’s approach has been to offer a calming, consistent presence and answer his questions in a way that respects his understanding without overwhelming him.
Discipline has been a learning experience for Melissa and her husband, balancing fun with necessary rules. Following advice about consistency across caregivers has made a noticeable difference in their family dynamic.
Becoming a grandmother has given Melissa a glimpse into the parenting role she never expected. Through this experience, she’s learned a lot about herself, discovering patience and insights she didn’t know she had. While she’s always felt that her decision not to become a mother was right for her, she now understands that family roles can be flexible and evolving. Her love for her grandson is undeniable, and she’s grateful for how their relationship continues to shape her.
Have any of you found yourselves in a surprising family role? How has it shaped your perspective on relationships and life? Feel free to share your experiences or any insights in the comments below!
Also read: Not your average babysitter: Why some grandparents are saying no
