On A Lighter Note.
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Same here Axel!
Lovely Group of People I do so hope they are healthy and save for the full 2022!
It makes me so anxious to see the news these days both husband and I do not switch on as much as we used to because of the sad news stories.
But I hope Life for everyone here improves with good health and happiness!
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Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said,
“Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
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A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out , but lacked the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?”
“No,” she replied.
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
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Squirrels in Church
The local Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since. -
An Elderly Couple Are At Maccas
They order one meal between the two of them and go and sit down.
The guy in the booth next to them notices they’ve only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.
The elderly man says, “No thank you, we share everything.”
The elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half to his wife. She starts to eat and the elderly man just sits there.
The guy in the booth looks over again and this time notices the elderly man isn’t eating yet.
So he asks, “Why aren’t you eating as well?
The elderly man replies, “I’m waiting for the dentures.”
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I went fishing one morning, but after a short time, I ran out of prawns.
Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in its mouth…
Frogs are good barra bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the problem was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that bloody snake with two more frogs!
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A guy walks into a bar, puts a box on the counter and takes out a tiny piano.
Then he takes out a tiny man, seats him at the piano and gets him to play.
The bartender is amazed and says, “That’s amazing where did you get this guy?”
The guy says, “I was walking on the beach and I came across an old lamp. I was cleaning it up when a genie appeared and told me I could make a wish.”
“Wow, can I try it?”
So the guy gives him the lamp, the bartender rubs it, the genie appears and the bartender makes his wish.
Just then in walk a whole pile of ducks, the bar is absolutely full of ducks.
The bartender says “I think your genie is hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The guy says, “Tell me about it, Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
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Understanding politics and the economy — an update. Understanding politics and the economy can be accomplished by starting with two cows.
COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and gives you some milk.FASCISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and sells you some milk.NAZISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and shoots you.BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called “Cowkimon” and market it worldwide.A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy.AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You buy a bull and let them breed until they entirely take over the South Island.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans.
You kill the cows and make souvlaki.
You can’t pay the interest, so the Germans lend you more money.
You can’t pay the interest, so the French lend you more money.
You can’t pay the interest, so the Italians lend you more money.
You can’t pay the interest, so the Spaniards lend you more money.
You can’t pay the interest, so your people hold a general strike.
You can’t pay the interest, so the EU bails you out.
You drink more ouzo. -
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After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said,
“You’re an alphabet wife…….A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”She asks….”What the hell does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot.”She smiled happily and said, “Oh that’s that”s lovely, but what about.. I, J, K.”
He said, ” I’m just kidding.”His memorial service will be held on Tuesday afternoon !!!
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On a more serious note, April is IBS Awareness Month.
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a common disorder that affects the large intestine. Signs and symptoms include cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, and diarrhoea or constipation, or both. IBS is a chronic condition that you’ll need to manage long term.
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Bakery Shop Magic
An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.
The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket.
He turns to the Maori and says “pretty slick aye bro, the owner didn’t even see me”.
Unimpressed the Maori replies “typical dishonest Aussie, bro I’m gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result”.
The Maori calls out to the owner of the shop and says “bro I want to show you a magic trick” intrigued the owner obliges.
The Maori asked him for a pastry and he eats it. He asks for another and eats that to. And the another which he eats also.
By now the owner says “c’mon mate where’s the magic trick?”
The Maori points to the Aussie & replies “now check his pockets”.
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An elderly man had been given a sterile jar by his doctor and requested to return to
the surgery the next day with a sperm sample.He returned the next day with an empty jar.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well” said the man “I tried with my left hand, no good; so I tried with the right hand,
again no good”He then said “So I asked my wife to help; but she had no luck either, trying with both
hands and even putting it between her legs”“I then went next door” said the man “and asked my neighbour if she could help”
“She tried with her left hand, no good; she tried with her right hand, again no good;
she even put it in her mouth, but that didn’t work either”“What!” exclaimed the doctor “you asked a neighbour?”
“Yes” replied the man “she did her best, but none of us could get the lid off the jar”
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A man is having breakfast when his wife suddenly hits him across the ear with the newspaper.
What on earth was that for?Well, I’ve just been emptying out the pockets of your shorts and I’ve found a piece of paper with a girl’s name on it….Mary Ellen oh no he says…”you have got it wrong Mary Ellen is the name of a race horse I put a bet on and won”
Oh well I guess that’s Ok.About 4 weeks pass and then out of the blue one morning he gets another clip over the ear’s.
What’s was that for this time? He asks…
“Your horse just phoned”
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A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
‘ Yummy! I smell maple syrup!’The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, ‘Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!’Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t
because the bigger moles are in the way.This makes him whine, ‘Geez, all I can smell is….
MOL ASSES !
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MEDICAL SCHOOLYears ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS” into
the name of “an important human body part which
is most useful when erect.”Those who answered “spine” are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
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Fishing??The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm.”
The King replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”
So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So the King hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
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A Father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.“God bless Mummy and god bless Daddy and god bless Grandma and… Goodbye Grandpa.”
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks Dad, that’s an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says: “God bless Mummy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realises this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her.
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
“God bless Mummy….she turns her head and looks straight at him – and goodbye Daddy.”
“What!? are you sure honey?”
She nods.
The man’s heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realises he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you today??!”
He replies – “Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”
His wife then says – “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…”
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The Queen once told Mail cartoonist Mac she loved seeing her corgis in his sketches.
She liked this one about precautions after an anthrax scare so much, she acquired the 1996 original.
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NUDIST BEACH
A young couple decided to take their six year old son to the beach for the day. Not just any beach but a nudist beach. So they go down the beach and find a place to sit and the young boy asks “Mummy can I go for a walk along the beach” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out of my sight”.
Little boy wanders off along the beach and comes back several minutes later. “Mummy” he says “some of the ladies have got bigger boobies than you” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you should remember is the bigger the boobies, the sillier the lady”.
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have a paddle in the water” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out too far”.
So he heads off to the water and comes back several minutes later and states “Mummy some of the men have got bigger things than Daddy” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you need to remember is the bigger the mans thing, the dumber he is”.
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have another paddle” and Mum says “ok but don’t be too long we are going to have lunch soon”.
So the boy trots off down the beach, this time he is only gone a couple of minutes and he’s back. He’s in a hurry. He’s running.
“Mummy, mummy,
Daddy’s talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her the dumber he gets”.
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and exercise.
Good one Leonie.
Bless his little heard he is so sweet.
Love it !!!
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